When God Closes Doors (Sleepless Night)

The Greatest Test of All: Are You Willing?

Lessons From the Story of Abraham and Isaac

So, Tuesday night my youth group left for a missions trip to the city. I was super excited knowing that we were going to be helping people - I mean, I've volunteered with veterans and at food pantries and stuff, but I'd never gone on a missions trip! We were going to be taking the Gospel to the streets, giving people that "cup of water" in Jesus name that the Gospel talks about; washing the feet of people who never would have dreamed of having them washed and holding children that longed to be loved. And I was going to get the opportunity to share the Gospel with all of my friends at my side, which in theory is like the ultimate awesomeness for a 16 year old girl with a passion for Jesus.

But, things turned quickly. It all really started when I was loading my stuff into the trailer, when I stepped out of my car with my bags in tote I began shaking. I ignored it. Later, my duffel bag and backpack were in the car and I had my purse slung over my shoulder, and I couldn't even hold that without trembling. I still ignored it. When we got to the church where we were staying, we had our set-up time and our orientation meeting where we went over the rules and such, then we got to do a Bible study. We met the pastor of the church we were staying at along with his wife - and he was an exceptional man! They were such exceptional people! They have done literally so much work in their community for the Lord that it is amazing! And to think that they would open up their church to us for the whole week? They have such giving, welcoming spirits!

Then our group leaders gave us the rules. After we heard said rules, I think that half of the girls on my team were shaking in their shoes. Putting it into perspective here - I think we had all known that we were going to be facing people with extremely rough lives. But, very few of us had ever really prepared ourselves for it in a realistic way up to that point. I knew we were safe in the church, but that didn't make this whole thing any less of a new experience for me. We certainly weren't in Kansas anymore.

I will admit, I'm not afraid of the city. There was also a good deal of mixed feelings spurred from all of the scary scenarios I was now aware we could face. But, I was still willing and excited to do all of this knowing that we were going to face it all with God's word in hand. I was excited to meet the children especially and just love on them, because I knew a lot of them needed to be loved on and shown the compassion of Christ. But, something I did discover is that I am somewhat of a suburban cupcake, I guess (NO not cupcake as in the southern term of "attractive woman," or "stupid teenagers engaged in folly flirting." Cupcake is my adjective for "overly sweet, petty, silly, sheltered, dilly-dallying avoidant people, etc.") And I need to learn how to rough it a little better.

See this cupcake? It's easily eaten because of how sweet it is. And it is rather tasty. But on the missions field, you can't just be a sweet cupcake. Oh no. (Here comes my Olympic-coach-like pep-talk. I think I hear Eye of the Tiger playing in my head as I write it) Cupackes get eaten alive in battle! Not unless they are tougher than most other desserts. They have to keep their sweetness so that they can have compassion on the helpless - but they have to have enough zest to stand up to hardship. That's why I've come to the personal (not set-in-stone or anything; just my personal opinion here) conclusion that Jesus wants to make us into Tobasco flavored cupcakes. Sweet enough to love on people but spicy enough to tough it out with passion and truth; no flip-flopping in our faith.

Anyway, if I want this to make sense despite my weird cupcake analogy; I should probably actually go back to a week and a half ago when I actually decided to go. When I heard we were going, I actually wasn't sure about it all. There was apprehension at first, because I honestly didn't get very much detail about where we would be going or what we would be doing until much later except that we were just going to the inner city. When I got the details, I still couldn't stop playing devil's advocate in almost every discussion about the whole thing.

"What if ______?" "What happens when ______?" "Are you sure we need to ______?" You get the picture. As cautious as I was about saying yes or no, I prayed about it and felt really led to go. Like, not just a petty feeling - it was like all out radical excitement about it in those few days before we went. I then started preparing for the thing like I prepare for Christmas (maybe even more so...) I was getting Bible verses ready to share and working with my Kid's Praise Team on the songs we were going to do with the kids (we had to trim down our song list drastically...because due to our massive enthusiasm we had to trim down our list from 64 to like 4 or 5.) I went out to Dollar Tree and bought so many stickers and pencils to share with the kids we met and got to know that I had to carry them in an extra bag. Things turned quickly from being an "I don't know" to a resounding "YES!"

Then we got there, and that brings us back into the main part of this story. After our rules orientation and our group leaders scared us into staying safe; all of the girls went back to our rooms and talked until we went to sleep. Getting ready for bed, we all talked about how different this was from what we had all expected and brought the "What if" and "What happens when" factors back into our conversations. We talked about a lot of things, of course. One of them was even a conversation about how bad it would be if any of us just left in the middle of it all. Just left. It's ironic that we had that conversation, because I would end up being the one that did. And I beat myself up about it, no doubt.

When the girls all went to sleep I was laying there awake for hour upon hour trying to catch some of the sleep that they were getting. It didn't happen. I lied there with my eyes closed for 2 1/2 hours not get any sleep at all as I tossed and turned until I went to go get one of our female chaperones. I was in a pool of cold sweat and my whole body was aching at that point. I also couldn't sleep because I could feel my heart pounding so hard (not fast, just really really HARD) that it was shaking my whole body. But, when I went to the chaperone I realized that there was honestly very little that could be done, so I went back to my room and started sobbing. I was gong to be up in less than 3 hours, I realized; trying to stay diligent in the 107 degree weather as I played with children up and down the playground. And, seeing I was having an insomniatic night as it was - I probably wasn't going to be able to get to sleep after that. 

It wasn't really the sleep that I was upset about. That was really my turning point, because I realized then at that moment this wasn't going to work. I had known I was getting sick beforehand but I just dismissed it; and I knew now that it wasn't meant for me. It was almost a spiritual sense I had that God was doing this because he was taking me out of here and putting me elsewhere. You'd think I'd be really sad about it - and believe me, I was - but more than anything else I was annoyed and frustrated to think that he would bring me that far and I wouldn't even get to see the first day of this. So, in exasperation I started to cry. My friends all woke up and gathered around me and comforted me until I stopped crying; something I am astounded by the kindness of and thank them for their willingness to do at 4:00 AM. 

Two hours later, everyone else was sleeping but I still hadn't at all. Alright so - I am notorious for being that one person who just can not sleep in a room unless it is below 70 degrees and with cold air blowing all over me; and the room we were in was on the warm side. But, I wasn't just being a wimp here - I didn't expect it to be a 5-star hotel! I really was starting to come down with something, and it is doctor confirmed now. At 5:15 in the morning I got up from my pool of cold sweat and called my Dad to see what should be done. I ended up having to have him come and get me so that I could see what was wrong with me. And when he came to get me in the morning, I still didn't sleep until I got home. For the last couple of days I've been exhausted and aching. We went to the doctor yesterday and I got to get some friendly little needles stuck in me so that I could have blood work done to find the root of the problem.

Anyway, where does this all fit in? Well, I was really upset when I left. That's a bit of an understatement. I got home and when I woke up from my 7 hour nap I was incredibly depressed. I am still upset. I had to leave my team - and now I probably seemed like a terrible wimp to everyone for having to go before we even started. After all, Jesus was more than just achy when he carried the cross. I was really wanting to go back; operating under the idea that as soon as I got this junk taken care of I could go back and help people with the rest of my team. The human part of me honestly wanted to go back and make every scenario in my head line up with that I was going to get magically cured with some miraculous, fast-acting medication and be able to go back and be Wonder Woman for Jesus.

 Well, it's now the second to last day of their work. After I had the doctor's news that he needed blood work to see if it was serious, it was just confirmation of what I had already felt in my heart but didn't really want to accept. I knew now that I wasn't going back. I kept on asking God why this could happen at first - why would he call me to do something if I would only be sent home? Why would he open this door only to close it?

In the midst of these questions, God brought a wonderful person into my life that helped open my eyes to what he was going to teach me through this. Wednesday night, my Mom got my depressed self out of bed and told me that she was going to take me to meet with some people up at the church where they hold the VBS-style Bible tournament that my brother goes to sometimes. It's a special thing where the kids answer bible questions and get prizes like snow cones and lollipops, etc. He really likes it! Seeing this happened to coincide with the Wednesday that my youth group was out of town and the church had theirs going on, I decided to drop by.

 Okay, well - my Mom sort of pushed out of bed that evening. (She's had to do that a number of times when I get depressed. And for that I mostly always end up thanking her.) The whole way there I was complaining "Mom, I don't want to go. I'm upset. I'm tired. I'm sick. I had to leave my team this morning. Blah. Blah. Blah." But when I got there, my apprehension went away. Even though it may not be my home church, I can see that God really wanted me there at that moment. The youth were all so nice to me and the group-leaders were just so filled with God (which is truly a rarity that I don't often see when I visit different churches.) The message that night was just meant for me. It was a really broad one about a lot of different scriptures but with the focus of staying strong in Christ through the trials and disappointments of our life and on through the school year.

The woe of my disappointment fresh on my mind, I shared it with the group and was encouraged. The woman who was helping lead us shared an insight that I know was from God - that the reason things worked out the way that they did could have very well been an Abraham and Isaac situation. In the book of Genesis, Isaac was Abraham's promised son. He was born to Abraham and his wife Sarah when they were well into their old age (Sarah was 90, Abraham was 100!) Not only was his conception and birth miraculous, but they had also waited an exceptionally long time for their son to come after he had been promised. They had to wait so long, in fact; that long before he came they were impatient and decided to take matters into their own hands. So, as you can imagine; Abraham was overjoyed about every part of his son when he came and beamed with pride at his boy all throughout his growing days.

Most of you know the story of when Abraham was called to sacrifice (yes, SACRIFICE) his son Isaac. If you don't, I'll outline it for you here. God called out to Abraham one day and told him to go onto the mountain and sacrifice his prized son - his most prized possession - to him as a burnt offering. Mainly, he was asking Abraham to kill his son for him and then burn his body. This sounds incredibly harsh, I know. I bet it was difficult for Abraham too. But, God is God. Abraham realized that, and he notoriously loved and wanted to honor the Lord with all of his heart. So, he took his son onto the mountain without hesitation and walked with him to the place where we was to kill him. But, just before he was going to plunge the knife into his son's heart - an angel of the Lord appeared and stopped him.

"No, no Abe!" I can just see it now. "Don't actually kill him! This is just a test! God is happy, you're obedient. I know you fear him now. Look, there's a sheep right over there!"

Then right after the angel stopped him, a ram just happened to get his horns stuck in the bushes beside them; conveniently becoming the desired sacrifice instead. God closed the door for him to sacrifice Isaac - although Abe was pretty sure it was what he absolutely had to do in order to obey his God (although he also had faith that the Lord would provide something else to sacrifice as stated in Genesis 22:8) and he opened the door to something else for Abraham to sacrifice instead.

Because Abraham demonstrated that he was obedient enough to do the hardest thing ever - sacrifice his one and only son (with Sarah, at least) - God saw this and was pleased with Abraham enough to spare Isaac for the reason that his father was obedient. Then the Lord calls out in a grand way and declares to Abraham a very suspiciously Messianic sounding prophecy....;)

"I swear by myself, declares the LORD, that because you have done this and you have not withheld your son, your only son, I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take the cities of their enemies, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed because you obeyed me." Genesis 22:16-18

Perhaps it's like that with this. When God closes a door, I know he will open another. I've seen him do it a number of times, but never quite like he has now. Maybe God was sending me on the missions trip to see if I would truly say "I will go! Send me!" But, perhaps my sickness was the closing of that door and the opening of another. Maybe there's some divine protection he had over me when he carried me elsewhere - just like he had divine protection over Isaac. He never wanted anyone to be harmed by his will. After all, his plans are to "prosper us and not to harm us." (Jer. 29:11)

I know for one thing that God HAS used me this week in a way I could not have been if I was still with my group. I met some people who were in need of love and building-up in their walks with Christ, and I can see that God really is working in that. I've felt the tug on my heart to start an all-girl Bible study for the younger gals in my neighborhood a lot like the one that Katie started at her house a few years ago. We saw so many  radical things happen within that, I just cannot put it into words. Almost instantly God has begun opening those doors by bringing girls into my life from around the area who are truly aching for that kind of fellowship; some who don't have a lot of Christian friends themselves or are even the only Christians in their families. I don't know what he has in store, but we'll see.

Though, I still ache for my team and wish I could have gotten the opportunity to do the things we were planning on doing; to look into the faces of the precious, hurting children we were going to play with in the mornings and to wash the feet of the homeless the way that Jesus washed the feet of his disciples as he humbled himself even though he was the Highest King. Even if I am not with them this week, I know that HE IS! Prayer is a very strong tool and weapon, and I trust that God has used my friends this week in ways they will not be able to explain when they come home. As disappointing as the things of this life can be, when God is working in them I cannot be unhappy with the outcome. It's just where he steers us instead. There will always be places that God wants to use you, even if it's not where you think.

If you have something in your life that you get your hopes up about that falls through; whether it be a job you thought you had, a test you thought you must have done so well on, or a mission that you thought God was going to use you to complete - don't lose heart. God is with you in all of your failures and disappointments - and perhaps what's going on right now for you isn't either of those at all! Just take a little bit of time and prayer, and God will open your eyes to see the bigger picture of what he wants you to do. There will ALWAYS be work for you to do in his kingdom. Sometimes he might be calling you to accomplish his will, and other times it might be a lot like the calling of Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. God could be calling on you to see if you're truly willing to say "Here I am!" But, sometimes that's all that he needs to hear from us. Then he will use us for bigger plans than we could ever dream of!

For all of the doors he closes, there will always be doors that your Heavenly Father opens. Not because this life is perfect or meant to be prosperously happy; but because he loves you and wants what's best for you. And what's best for you is his will. No cupcakes allowed.

Genesis 22:1

Sometime later, God tested Abraham. He said "Abraham!"

"Here I am," he replied.